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Momentary Lapse of Happily

by adult mom

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1.
I took my shoes off, crawled into bed Thought I had nothin’ left I got his number in January, it was so freezing I am ruined best when I cold And my love got too old, I was left alone I just needed someone who would appreciate the growth And I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed the snow Now I hold my own hands in crowds of bands and my friends Jan always says to me, “you gotta be your own 3am”
2.
Survival 02:49
I don’t know if my mom loves me anymore She says that I am changing, I am not what she bargained for I set fire to abusers like a war, I am a terror but I don’t know what it is I fight for I cure the pores of my skin I leave no room for anything I survive because I have died Just to keep my head afloat and my body unprovoked I set up walls but make sure to include windows And I cure the pores of my skin I leave no room for anything I survive because I have died And maybe in a year, I will learn to love the fear And maybe in a year, I will not feel like a bad queer
3.
2012 03:05
In your car again, I start to cry I hide under my coat, I smell your old spice On my back again, I wanna fuckin’ die I wipe your sweat off my skin it’s the same every time You say, “please don’t leave me. I will leave this earth unhappy” So I shut my eyes and supply Erect a shrine of my selfless life You cut out my insides and I will hide the knife All I want is to be loved so nice You hurt me the same every day and I’ll apologize You say, “please don’t leave me. I will leave this earth unhappy” So I shut my eyes and supply One day I’ll set fire to your car Wreck the sheets I once was fond off And maybe you will be gone too.
4.
Told Ya So 02:35
Has anyone ever told you it is okay to cry? Has anyone ever told you if I miss you I won’t die? Has anyone ever felt you, really felt you with their eyes? Have you ever felt reality in someone’s hair but said goodbye? And it is okay to feel the world! It is okay to kiss girls! I spent years ashamed of myself Scared to cut the bad shit out of my life Cuz what is left when the bad is gone? I thought I’d be alone with no reason why And it is okay to feel doubt! But just know you’re gonna find a way out! (Oooh)
5.
Sorry for asking you to love me more Guess I’ve become the burden I was so fearful of before Never asking you to make me frozen mac n’ cheese Never asking to sleep in your bed unless you begged me “please” Sorry for writing all those love songs for you Is that suffocating to you too? Guess I’ll throw out my valentine’s if that’s the only thing to do You’ll fish out the one’s you like But I bet my words would be misconstrued Sorry we couldn’t work it out, and I couldn’t help to want you Sorry you were cozy in a place of not wanting me too What else am I to do?
6.
Sun Theory 01:44
I know I can never make up my mind Half the time I’m sick just tryna find a straight light And I thought I saw the light Behind your glassy narrow eyes Fall fell and the weight came crashing down Half the year I spent trying to relieve myself And I thought your hands were warmth Something to fix my freezing form But I soon realized again it was just poor circulation And I thought I saw the light Behind your glassy narrow eyes But I soon found it to be brewin slowly inside of me
7.
Success is finding a seat on a crowded subway And not getting lipstick on my apple when I take a bite, say I shouldn’t beat myself up over some added red pigment, say I shouldn’t miss everyone as much I do and, hey I’ve been seeing older version of my friends in places today But they’re distant and further away on crowded subways My stomach feels sick when I think of all the things I’ve messed up It is exhausting to feel like you’re bad at everything What is success if you’re just feeling like it all sucks? I guess I’ll try again? Try to find some meaning in this plan I guess success is finding a seat on a crowded subway So I’ll wipe the lipstick off my apple and sit comfortably
8.
You know you broke the rules, you know you were very cruel Somehow you felt you were going to fall in love with me, Eventually. Bullshit, I’m not some fantasy But you keep saying that you miss me I can’t accept that you were going to fall in love at all I know I’m acting tough The truth is that I am not I still have dreams of us and now I don’t want love at all.
9.
I guess I shoulda known it was gonna happen this way I should have never called you up in the first place And I guess my head’s always spinnin’ in the same way And I guess I will just be sad today. (ooh) And my dad says, “why do you always fight, for love that always bites?” (mmm) He only loved me when I looked away My neck hurts from keeping it that way He only loved me when I looked away and I close my eyes and hope that I never do the same
10.
Meg Ryan 02:24
See me in movies, I am not real to you See me in postcards, in pictures I exist to you Well, I see you sometimes when I’m with the kids I see you with a juice box screamin’ that you miss me I can only move on but I won’t let go of what we did I can only say that I’m sorry you were acting like such a kid But I see you sometimes when I am alone And I think about callin’ you on my phone Maybe I just need another smoke Something else that’ll surely make me choke Instead of hearing that you miss me Well, I’m sorry! You put me on leave.
11.
Wake 02:49
I wake to empty space in my head Well if I cried and I tried to feel fed Tell me, would you love me instead of getting lower in your head? Just know, if I ever think of you Oh I do not, no I do not want to and If I slept without you then I can surely do it again and If you let me go then You will surely do it again.
12.
I was lookin’ up at a tree in my view Thinkin’ “how long did it get there?” aooh It was tall and strong and I was thinkin’ about you Hope you grow too, I hope you grow too! And when you go on down south Remember that I tried real hard to shut my mouth And when you are in a sunny room The warmth expands and soon it hits you I hope you think of me too, aooh And like the sun I will grow too! I hope you think of me too, aooh and I will grow like you, I will grow like you I was thinkin’ about a song that once said “when you are happy and the sun is smilin’ over the trees that you think of me, in times of peace in times of peace.” I hope you think of me too, aooh And I will grow like you, I will grow like you And we will get there soon, we will get there soon And I will grow like you, I will grow like you
13.
Lose/Recover 02:20
Had a dream I was underground To a point, I stopped trying to get found Clawed my way out and filled the hole With flower seeds and much richer soil Looked at myself closely in the mirror Took the dark parts out that were causing this fever Replaced them with one large oak seed Realized then I was just trying to get green Yeah I lost love, love does what it does Thought I lost me, but there I was! Thought I lost me, but it came to be A momentary lapse of happil

about

i wrote this record after 3 consecutive breakups that forced me to become a being other than myself, and soon, i was myself again

credits

released July 31, 2015

TE145

all songs written by stephanie knipe

guitar/vox/keys - steph knipe
guitar - bruce hamilton
bass - kt mcmanus/jen sinski
drums - jen sinski/jack tomascak

keys/harmonies - mike dvorscak

engineered, mixed, and recorded by mike dvorscak
mastered by dave eck
released by tiny engines
art by matt van assalt

buy / download here -> tinyengines.bandcamp.com/album/momentary-lapse-of-happily
www.tinyengines.net/products/545567

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